(these are NON fiction!)
"I have a couple hours as a student pilot... on the ride up for my tandem can I help fly the plane?"
"I'm running for state office... as a publicity stunt, could we do a base jump tandem off a building in downtown Topeka?"
"I've never made a jump so I don't know how this all works, but can my friend and I go tandem together?" - "Yes, we have four slots in the plane, so with you two and the two tandem instructors, there's enough room..." - "No, I mean, can we GO together, like do a tandem with each other?"
"I break too easy!"
"I'm afraid of heights..."
"I'm too unlucky."
"I would have 20 years ago."
"My truck just broke down so I don't have the money this month."
"I am afraid of falling."
"I hate rollercoasters."
My Reaction to these Excuses...
Yes, although you have to sign
a waiver, we still offer this
61 Fun Things to do in a Jump Plane
1. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. Beat out bongo rifts on your helmet.
6. Unzip your jumpsuit part way, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
7. One word: Flatulence!
8. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
9. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
10. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the plane hits turbulence.
11. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
12. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the plane.
13. Ask each passenger getting on if you can pull their silver handle for them.
14. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
15. Look around and ask "is that your dytter?"
16. Say "Announcing the Xth Floor!" each 1000'.
17. Listen to the plane walls with a stethoscope.
18. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
19. Ask the jumper next to you, "If you burn in into a forest, does it make a sound?".
20. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises.
23. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
24. Sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in round.
25. After everyone has taken off their seatbelts, connect mismatching pairs in consideration of the next load.
26. Ask about the in-flight beverage choices, meal, and inflight movie. Insist that you were told a meal would be served when you purchased your ticket.
27. When jump run is announced, stand up and yell: "But I paid for a round trip ticket!"
28. Play "enie, menie, miny, moe" while pointing the shiny silver handles of nearby jumpers.
29. Hum Gregorian chants.
30. When someone is spotting, point toward the horizon and innocently ask "Is that Mexico?"
31. Moan, clutch your stomach, mutter "Oh no, not motion sickness now." Then ask your neighbor if you can borrow his Factory Diver.
32. When boarding the plane ask if you can have emergency row seating.
33. After the first person exits, point out the door and exclaim "It's a bird, it's a plane, nah, just a deer."
34. Cough then mutter "Don't worry the doctor said it can only be spread through physical contact."
35. Pretend to pick lice out of your neighbors hair then eat them.
36. Theorize (incorrectly) on why airplanes and square parachutes actually fly.
37. Bow down and grovel before the local skygod.
38. Play rock, paper, scissors - if no one will join you, play against yourself using both hands.
39. Hand out labels that say "Plan B - Part 1" and "Plan B - Part 2" for everyone's cutaway and reserve handles.
40. Have the other jumpers get the attention of the jumper furthest from you then wave and smile broadly.
41. Turn to a student and say "Don't worry, the engine sounds _much_ better than it did yesterday."
42. Sing "Edelweiss".
43. Say to the jumper across from you, "All is in readiness, Comrade. This time we cannot fail!"
44. Pick your nose and then hold your finger up to another jumper and ask, "Booger?".
45. Tell the jumper next to you that skydiving is nothing compared the time when you were pinned down under a deadly hail of Jap fire.
46. Speak into your altimeter then hold it to your ear and nod your head.
47. Ask the other passengers in a thick German accent for their tickets.
48. Shift around as you sit and announce that thongs are overrated.
49. Talk about the parachute equipment you saw on the Home Shopping Channel.
50. Sing "Rawhide" as the plane accelerates to takeoff.
51. Start a petition demanding more altitude.
52. Repetitively ask, "Are we there yet?"
53. Tap furtively on the bulkhead and mutter, "Now where's that secret panel?"
54. Try to hypnotize the jumper across from you.
55. After you put your goggles on, act surprised, and say hello to the person across from you.
56. Give the jumper next to you a "Wet-Willy".
57. When the pilot announces jumprun advise the other jumpers to return their seats and tray tables to the full upright and locked position.
58. Bring your own joystick and pretend you're flying the plane.
59. Move your helmet past your neighbor's head and announce, "The Deathstar has cleared the planet".
60. According to the stories of one of the jet loads at Quincy a couple of years ago...
61. Solve quadratic equations aloud.